I found clarity on New Orleans Ave, down where the air is thick as LA skies are blue, the water tried to break me down, but I have held through….
So since the last blog entry, things have slowed down and sped up tremendously. Ironically enough, considering the title of this post, I started this blog on Nov 22 and it’s Jan 1st. I’ve been trying for a month to write this. I have felt stagnant, uninspired, and a ton of self pity. It took a month to be able to admit that from the other side of those feelings. It took more than a few tears to get there, but I feel like I’m moving through my problems. From this point on, we’re going back to where I was a month ago. Let’s take a look. BTW everything in parenthesis will be Bobby From Jan being introspective about Bobby from Nov’s lack of commitment. Cheers!
I’ve just finished wrapping on my last film “One of Us Must Know,” something that was by far the hardest and most rewording thing I’ve ever done…. I became a producer on this movie, which i am super proud of! This is something I’ve always wanted to accomplish. It’s a very meaningful mile stone in my life and I have accomplished something that I set out to do all those years ago… now what’s next?
I still feel like much hasn’t changed inside of me…I find myself on the verge of something new and exciting…I had the most amazing idea the other day, and I’ve already committed myself working on it. It’s awesome, subversive, an amazing commentary on life and society, and you’ll be seeing it around LA and NYC before the end of the year…(NOT TRUE. see, like I said I’ve been a little too much in the drawling board phase, although I think that is for the good… This idea was harder to start than I previously thought… still I’m moving forward with it. Also I can’t tell you what it is… sorry anonymity is kind of a necessity with this one)
Still does it make me feel better? (It’s starting to)
I have been painting for the first time in a long time, I’ve just finished my 4th painting since August…. I have paint everywhere. It’s in my hair, on my clothes… I cleaned a hair brush out the other day in the shower and it was filled with green paint. It made me happy, like somehow my Identity, my DNA, and extension of my emotional state was and is in that brush. I wanna do an art show, my first gallery opening. Something I’ve always wanted to do and now I’m doing it. I wanna paint 11 more pieces, and I mean, big bastards around 8 to 10 feet big
… I love BIG art pieces. My roommate said the best thing to me yesterday: “I’m always excited to wake up every morning and come down stairs, It’s like Christmas morning, seeing what new project you’ve started or finished throughout the night.” That made me so happy. It’s nice to have someone appreciate what you have created.
She (who must not be named) would make this noise when she saw something that I did that she loved. It was like as gasp moan mixed with a “wooooo” …kills me. The other night I was working on a painting and all I wanted to hear was that noise! That noise was such a mark of validation. The next day she came over to get her things ,yikes (still yikes) and she made the same noise! The weird thing was I didn’t feel how I expected to feel. I mean, there was that bit of relief when I heard what I had been wanting to hear, BUT I also found myself feeling resentment at the gesture. “HEY I”M BAD ASS! WHATS WRONG WITH US BEING TOGETHER!”
(So, as you can imagine, a good portion of my stagnation was the step of acceptance. It has been a sad time for me. Seeing couples over the holidays, to say the least, was hard. The days leading up to Christmas seemed to be marked with a lot of pondering of what went wrong. It was so unfounded, so not me, and yet at 3am the first night back in my parent’s house, I found myself crying and holding my dog like she was the only thing that I really had in my life that was going to always be there for me… the thing is, I think I’m finding my connection to empathy, to humanity, and to myself. back to the Nov Bobby)
I’ve got a love that hope keeps me waiting for. That’s the story right now, so what do I do? How do I stop living each day feeling like, “hey this person might show back up?” (still hate that thought)
That is the million dollar question. Now I’m writing this because I want to really pour over what I am doing and how to move on.
(The other day my beautiful friend sent me this quote: “We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full” -Proust. apropos?)
So what do you do? How do you fill that space that you have when you wanna get right but you just cant seem to figure out how to move on. I mean I’ve done a lot: saged the house, thrown things that remind me of her into the sea, the literal ocean, given back her shit, thrown out, or covered art work that was done with her in the garage…. now what?
Well I have decided rather than committing to something that will NOT commit to me… I must, and will, commit to myself!
(Finally we’re getting to the point)
Deep? I don’t know… but
PAINT TRAVEL COMMIT:
Paint, like relationships, leave their mark. I’ve been painting a lot recently, I looked down and I pulled paint out of my leg hair that was about a month old… I do shower regularly btw… Sometimes to get to the other side of anything, you need to dig up the septic tank… Becoming Dirt to Achieve the Sublime.
(This is an interesting position, It goes back to Proust’s words “Full Expression of Suffering”. By doing so, I have figured something out: I was in love with something that someone made me feel, NOT someone. I loved the way she made ME feel. This person made me feel that I was her biggest cheerleader, that wasn’t my mom or dad, I mean from the first time we sat in my hotel room together and talk… she told me that I could be President of the United States AND SHE WASN’T JOKING. I loved the way that she encouraged me. My Dreams where never silly, I felt respected. I felt like a protector, I felt like I had something to learn from this person and she was gonna learn from me. That we might take over the world truly together. I felt Big. I WAS IN LOVE WITH THAT FEELING. This might sound crazy or whatever but I that’s what I felt, and you can’t explain or argue the feelings of the heart. I mean if you really think about it, that’s why we love anyone, right? Same with hate, you love the way someone’s presence stimulates you when they are near. “Butterflies in my stomach when she is near” OR “my skin crawls with disgust when he walked by”-these are things that we assign emotional values to giving another person the power to be the source of our delight or hatred. SO what I’m wrestling with right now and committing, there is that word again, myself to in this next year is making it so my own happiness, motivation, and self worth can’t be tied to another person. This is how dangerous it is to have someone else control your emotions… I can tell you first hand it sucks… quick story to prove my point: So I’m starting to feel better, I’m home for Christmas so I’m making the best of my time, and Christmas Day I’m seeing all the couples around and it’s a little weird and I wanna text her and say hey merry xmas, but I don’t cause I’m not gonna do it. Then there it is- a text from the girl, it wasn’t a mass text because it had my name in it, but it did say the same thing on her twitter that day to all her followers…. I felt like she reduced me to coworker from awhile back status. Like, “oh hey pal, hope you’re well”. I felt like I was on a check list, like in her heart that I’m not worth that much. If she knew what heartache really felt like, she wouldn’t write me, I actually thought about writing her an email to stop fucking texting me if it’s just gonna be this check-in bullshit, but I told her that enough already… so I just said nothing… NOW I SAY ALL THAT to say this: I don’t want someone to have that kind of control over my emotions. It’s not healthy, and it’s a terrible way to live your life. SO I AM Committing to taking control over my emotions…. BACK TO THE PAST)
I have been traveling with random people recently, people that i wouldn’t have guessed that I would be going anywhere with, just call them up and say ” hey lets roll north this weekend” and they come!
I’m finding myself in other human beings, by giving myself the chance to be open enough to recognize that there is a connectivity between all of us. Commit to the moment and see what can be squeezed out.
There are those days that feel like I have made massive mistakes, like when I couldn’t be there for the people that depended on me. But I must keep moving on. I can’t listen to those doubts that are swirling around, just outside of my heart’s protection. The walls around my heart are pretty small these days, I feel a lot more sensitive (I cried at “X-Men: First Class” the other day on the plane…). I feel this constant pull on my emotions. And I have to be honest, it’s exhausting. Part of me wants a break, but for what… I’ve just been gifted with all this creativity. So I keep moving…. shark like… stop = death. Keep digging, rip up the septic.
This post is about commitment, not commitment to another human being, but first and foremost to myself. I realized that I have been afraid of commitment so much in all my past relationships. Always having one foot in and one foot out. I did have long term relationships, 2 to be exact, and I hurt both of them tremendously. For that I am, and always will be forever sorry.
The truth of the matter is, I was calling relationships into my life that (once the spark calmed). I never full intended to take my commitment level past a certain level. When I met (she who will not be named), I was like WOO this is it, but the funny thing about fear of commitment is that I feel that I called a version of my younger self into my life so that I again wouldn’t have to commit. I fell in love with the fantasy of that person, the feeling, not seeing their true colors, and in this case their yellow was not so melee. Like paint… people always end up showing you their true colors (I stole that from a friend). Not to say that paint can’t change, I changed colors many times in my life. RIGHT NOW I’m Emerald Green.
So how do I fix me?
I mean I don’t have shit REALLY wrong right now, I’m thankful for everything that’s happened to me. So why don’t I feel like this is all a positive? Thats the thing that I have been looking at recently, and I’ve come up with one word: Commitment.
What areas am I not 100% committed?
So my whole Life really. Love is everything, and without it we have nothing. I have to commit to LOVE. I’ve been thinking about the power that I have in this world, MY VOICE and I asked myself, “In what areas am I not using my power to manifest the desires of my heart?”
Elevate yourself and you’ll attract the gold, right? So this is has been a period of searching, Commitment to growth. Commitment to the raw. Even, dare I say it, Commitment to Commitment?
So how do I start doing this?
step 1: taking charge over my life!
Binding and Loosing. So I have literally gone through each thing in my house that isn’t helping me and removed it from my sight, “bound it” if you will. I got it all out. It didn’t matter if it cost a lot or if it was even something that I liked a lot. If it wasn’t adding to my life in a positive way… get it out. Speak Life over your Life. (I overheard my dad talking to my new 2 month old niece today, he said to her “may the Lord increase you more and more” it made me smile, He is speaking prosperity over that baby’s life. He is setting up a good path for that baby’s life… I’m gonna do the same over mine. MORE AND MORE!)
step 2: Take control over my space:
What makes me happy? my friend pointed out to me the other day that my room has no definable characteristics of what is me in it. When I walk into my house and my room, there is nothing in there that you can look at and get a sense of who I am, how have I marked my space? So that’s what I’ve been doing. What makes me happy, ART! I’ve started building things, using my power tools for the first time in my life… I bought cans of spray paint and have been tagging my house (my land lord is gonna kill me). Like I said in the last blog, Creating makes me happy, so I paint. I learn the piano. Taking photos! I did my first photo shoot the other day. I had a blast and I am proud of the fact that I came up with the idea by myself AND I have friends that are bad ass enough to go along with me covering them and their house in paint, I am releasing that thing that is inside of me that I have been afraid of or unwilling to let out for so long, and its coming out like a flood!
Step 3: Take control over fear:
About 40 days till we are about to make another round of new years resolutions, and I know this time that there is no question what I should do. I think about all the time spent focused on another, well over a 100 days of energy I’ve put into someone that I know hasn’t put that much energy into me. I’m putting it back into myself… All the energy that has been spent thinking about how “what If i don’t ever find someone like that again?” (I hope not btw), I take that energy and put it into my work. ACTING WITH A FULL TANK OF GASOLINE :) I’ve taken all the things that have been weighing on my heart the last few months and I have put them into my work full force. Wild part is that I have lived a lot of my life with fear, all of us have, and being used in the right way, fear is useful. Thing is… I don’t really have any right now, I feel like I’ve gotten so low that there isn’t anything for me to lose… it sounds weird even looking at this as I write it, but I’m not afraid of anything: life, failure, ridicule, success… NOTHING!
(I feel like a kid again, I would go outside and play with my friends , or by myself with no fear. It seems backwards to me on some level, but it’s awesome. I find myself not afraid to be direct with someone, adversely when someone tells me something that they don’t like about me I haven’t been getting defensive. I try to remain open, staying in contact with what the person is saying as opposed to trying to shield myself from the truth that they might be giving me.)
Step 4: Commit to doing those things you’ve always wanted to do.
I wanna make music, so I’m make it… who cares if someone might say it isn’t good, it has to be good if it is honest. Search for honesty! (I sound like Hemingway) If you wanna do something as simple as rearranging your living room, do it! Change will make a difference. I pulled this old desk out of my closet the other day… spent the whole day cleaning… God it felt good, I accomplished so much with that desk already… that One idea has led to 3 ideas since then. So by providing a space, more creativity has flown out of it. I don’t know if I’m in my saturn cycle or what but I like it (that was a joke)
So what am I saying, if Im saying anything is: Live the life that is making you happy, Commit to expressing yourself truly, because it is yourself that will make you feel the most fulfilled, get a hobby, an outlet, FIND A PURPOSE. I’d rather live for one moment, than die for 80 years.
“Know thy self” its the moral of all art (or at least it should be)
I’ve committed to myself by way of figuring out who I am and what I like.
I like art, I like love, I like me, I like bikes, climbing, I like helping people find their purpose….. I also like guns :)
Art is the expression of one’s search for an understanding of the internal and the eternal.
So commit to it, commit to your own life
Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence - Henry David Thoreau
P.S. do me a favor… have yourself a great day
Happy New Years From Costa Rica
I found clarity on New Orleans Ave, down where the air is thick as LA skies are blue, the water tried to break me down, but I have held through….